113 Days
In high school, cliques change faster than the tide on a windy day. (Even from my teacher point-of-view, I can say that this is still the truth.) Someone’s in, someone’s out. I guess I was “in”, but I never felt like I belonged in a group. I was a loner. A wallflower. A nerd. A band geek. An introvert. Unapproachable. That word still haunts like a punch to the gut. That word made me small. Hidden. Retracted. Unloveable.
Or so I thought. (See, there’s always a phoenix rising kind of a moment in these stories.)
The toxicity of a word made me put up walls. The toxicity of a word made me angry and irritable - because I believed it. The toxicity of a word took me years to overcome, and yet I find myself still overcoming.
Now, it’s not like I come from a background of hate and absence. In fact, there is so much love to this day in my family. But, as a young woman I faced undue pressure from society, as most do. (Same story, different girl). In this context, society is a force, an immovable cloud of darkness preying on the young. I struggled with my weight and body confidence. I struggled with not wearing labels because the money was suited best elsewhere. I struggled with comparing myself to everyone else, and this is what strikes the deepest.
It wasn’t until I changed things about myself that I started to inch out of the dark cavity in my chest. I was becoming more of a person. It wasn’t until I noticed outside attention shift toward me. And, do you know what hurts the most about falling prey to the allure of outside attention? Waiting, hoping, praying for an ego boost - affirmation that you are beautiful, loved. I spent so much time looking that I forgot to see myself for who I truly am.
And then, he found me. When I stopped looking. When I said I was done. When I gave myself the credit and worth she had been due since the moment the word “unapproachable” first escaped friendly lips. (Isn’t that how it always happens? The cliche lives on.)
It wasn’t easy at first to open my heart to him. It took time. For months, I wouldn’t even sing in the car. My fear of rejection outweighed any other feeling or emotion. And then, just like that, I saw myself. Not just in chocolate pools across the table or quick glances while driving - I saw myself for the first time.
She was timid, yet fierce. Sensitive and hard. Emotional and curt. Loving and maternal. Apologetic and faithful. She was me.
Every time I’ve been asked before if I could change my past, my immediate reaction is to say no. I wouldn’t be where I am today if my life had not played out exactly to its specific tune. However, if I could look my younger self in the face or show her a sign, I would tell her this:
The life you lead will be painful. You’ll have scars, both visible and invisible. But, you must love yourself first to realize that you are not unloveable.
As a teacher, I get to see the world through a different lens. Just like in literature and film, there are archetypes - a recurring image, trend, theme. I notice them, of course. My mind has been trained to find the nuances. Therefore, I see parts of my former reality in the scope of modern society. In short, history repeats itself. The oddity: the strains in history are oftentimes what bring us closer together, closer to finding humanity once again.
If I could provide one piece of advice to my students - past, present, future - I would tell them exactly what I would tell my younger self. It’s worth repeating over and over because I’m sure we’ll forget to cut ourselves some slack, to embrace ourselves with open arms, and to lead with empathy and compassion - not just for ourselves - but for others.
The climate of this school year is less intense than last, for sure. But, there are still some uncharted waters. The world is a crazy place right now, but the most joy I’ve found in my professional career comes from guiding young minds toward success. It’s my goal and motto every year, and I’m not sure it will ever change.
From impromptu taco debates to discussions about football to uncovering the real meaning behind a clove of garlic, the classroom climate has been hopping. I’ve learned so much about my students in the past few weeks that I’m not sure how I could uncover more. However, I know there will always be something new to learn.
It was such a pleasure to see new faces at Back-to-School Night. (Literally, I had no idea what some of these kids looked like until this year.) Seeing their faces the first weeks of school made for better connections and establishment of rapport. It was fun while it lasted, but it won’t change how I approach the year. I’m looking forward to the next 171 days, believe it or not.
And while this insight seems like a rollercoaster of emotions (I mean, it kind of is), to me it shows the beauty of finding solace inside yourself. Life will never be easy, and I will always be trying to master that concept. But, recognizing that and leading life as an open book allows for better connections and conversations to fill the pages.
My book is still open, developing itself for consistent publication. I have more stories and milestones to mark. But most importantly, I get to rise from the ashes as the heroine in my own adventure. While I’d like to say I was saved by a knight in shining armor, like all the romances claim as reality, I most certainly was not. The truth of the matter is that Mr. Know-it-All continues to guide me to my own self-worth, and the rest as they say was her own feat. (No one says this, but I’m coining it). And in the next 113 days, he gets to guide me forever. That’s right ladies and gents, 113 days until my name either gets a lot longer or changes for good. We’ll see; I haven’t made up my mind yet. Regardless, December 28, 2021 will be the party of the past 2 years because Covid has destroyed everything its path, but it will not ruin #OnceUponAThomas. Until next time ...