A Year Of Patience: Just Taking It All In

Hopeless. I don’t think there exists a more perfect word for the swirling pit of despair deep inside my soul these past few weeks. Endless days on the verge of body-wracking sobs has left me feeling like quitting is the only viable option and cure to this “disease” that has consumed me since I began this job. And what hurts the most is the sheer fact that I love my vocation; I know in my heart that this – teaching – is what I am meant to do. I couldn’t imagine having to wake up for any other profession that confines me behind a desk or leaves me performing mind-numbing tasks for hours on end.

What hurts me more than I ever thought it could is being away from my loved ones. You see, I had done distance before. I chose to attend a college in Ohio, five hours from the normal routines and smiling faces I had become accustomed to for all of my life. When I hit the age of 18, I moved away. While this transition saddened me, it was bearable because I was constantly surrounded by people. I had friends and a roommate, and I was okay.

A few years later, I decided I needed my own space away from the overload of estrogen, and I found an apartment. This apartment had its ups and downs, for sure, but it was a space that I could call my own, and I still felt okay. But then college graduation came and passed, and now I needed to find a job. You see, ladies and gents, finding a job was harder than I thought, but, I managed to land a job at a private school near my collegiate alma mater.

I accepted this job, even though I had recently started seeing someone near my hometown in Pennsylvania. While our first date was not a shining moment for me in our story, I still knew that he – Mr. Know-it-All – was someone special. I accepted a job exactly 296 miles from the man I would grow to love over one of the best summers I’ve ever had. We spent so much time together just enjoying each others company – whether that be Wednesday nights at Trivia or Saturdays out with my family.

All summer, even when we were laughing and enjoying car rides to wherever we were headed next, for a split second amidst the sounds of the rumbles in our chests, I could feel the impending arrival of my departure. Try as I might, it gnawed at my heart for three months until the day arrived, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done … leaving.

I’m a rational being, and I knew I had to start my job and get a foot in the door with my career, but being the one to leave tore up my heart. Growing up, I had trained myself to stiffen at the sound of loving or caring words, and now, I had managed to melt at the words of one man. It sounds almost irrational, but leaving has opened up my heart to something so much deeper – a love and a trust I know I can only receive through Him in a relationship. Mr. Know-it-All inadvertently lead me to a deeper relationship with my faith, and this is how I get through the hardest days.

Last weekend was the lowest moment I think I’d ever experienced. A long week of grading and trying to adapt teaching methods and hoping that I’d feel comfortable at the helm of classes that are not my specialty forced me over the edge, and I broke. I had a complete and utterly horrible mental breakdown. I had let the overwhelming stresses eat away at my insides until they finally spilled over and consumed my Saturday. The most frustrating part of this emotional rollercoaster is that I could not pinpoint the crux of the issue. I was a weeping mess, doubting my every move and choice and intention for the past month.

If it hadn’t been for Mr. Know-it-All and my mother, I don’t know what I would have done. I was ready to throw in the towel on this job and come home. But, something deep inside kept telling me to stay, that there was a reason behind my choice to teach at this school away from everyone near and dear to my heart. I just kept hearing, “You’ll know when you know.” I knew then and I know now, that the reason for this year will be revealed to me in due time. This year so far is teaching me how to embrace patience because I know that everything in life happens for a reason.

So, even though last weekend left me a little broken, Mr. Know-it-All came all the way from State College, Pennsylvania, after scaling the bleachers when the 4th quarter ended, to comfort me for 15 hours before driving 5 hours home the next morning. I never thought I’d find someone who would ever be willing to do something as crazy and as rash as that.

Every time I see him, my love grows a little stronger, and while to some our relationship may seem fast, to me it feels as if I’ve known him all my life. Even this weekend, when he arrived at my door at 8:00 Friday night, I just felt as if everything was just as it should be. It felt so normal to greet him in Crocs and a sweatshirt as he stepped out of his car in business attire after a long day of work and travel. It felt right to walk through Kroger hand-in-hand as we gathered the ingredients for only the best dishes to accompany Saturday football. As we cooked and ate and joked and laughed, it felt like this could be my Saturdays for the rest of our lives – college game after college game and lesson plans and activities.

In mass this morning, as we sat together, hands clasped, I could feel him looking at me, and as I turned to ask him “what,” he said, “just taking it all in.” That will forever be my favorite phrase because even when he thinks I don’t notice, I notice, because I do the same thing. I cannot wait for the day when mass together doesn’t end with goodbye tears as I head back into an empty apartment and he drives home.

My apartment this year – yes, the same apartment from college – doesn’t feel as homey because home is where the heart is, and my heart lies with Mr. Know-it-All. For now, I’ll drink my morning coffee out of his mug (even though I have about 50 of my own) as I await the next visit. I keep telling myself that the distance is temporary because come May 31, my time here is finished.

I will spend the rest of this school year making the best of the situation by planning and adhering to the needs of all of my students. While I may be a tad broken, I need to remain strong for those students entrusted to my guidance this year. I feel better about this week as my students dive headfirst into thought-provoking novels such as The Confessions, The Iliad, and Lord of the Flies. Coffee and long calls with Mr. Know-it-All and my saint of a mother will have to do. Stay tuned – seeing as it has taken a lot of time and courage to post this last installment. Until next time …