Lately, I have been having those days where everything just seems slightly off. I’m not entirely sure what force has been tipping the scales, but I have been snippy and stone faced and I don’t like the person I become when I’m having an off day. Yesterday was the perfect example of the hot mess my persona becomes when a shift at work moves at an infinitesimal pace – a “speed” so slow that my tired eyes and bored expression evokes the onslaught of peppy enthusiasm and smile checks from one of my lovely managers. If you know me well enough, you know I’m not all that smiley, so it was extra painful to force my chubby cheeks into a happy “u”.

I know working in retail requires a level of pep that I am not at all used to, but over the years, I have learned to fake the enthusiasm for the customers’ sake. I like to think of myself as a kind and generous person; I just seem to have a chronic case of RBF that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to tame. I’m truly embodying the sentiment “fake it until you make it” - here’s to hoping that one day I won’t immediately frighten those who enter my hula hoop of happiness with my hard as nails expression. In order to get a proper fright, they’ll have to entertain a conversation first.

In all seriousness, I was having an off day, and the constant nagging about my nonexistent smile really made me want to stow away in my naturally introverted habitat. So, when my shift ended and I didn’t have to plaster a smile on my face, I drove home with the intention of grabbing coffee and shutting out the real world for a little while.

When I breached the threshold of air-conditioned bliss I just wanted to curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and fall into the deep depths of YouTube or a Victorian novel – there’s really no in-between with me. And that is exactly what I did after the slowest shift of my life. I sunk into the couch cushions and let the depths of the Tube take me places that freed my mind from the stresses and anxieties of the day … and then I was interrupted.

Now, as an introvert, when I take the time to shut out the world, it truly means that I need to disengage for a little while to recover from the social activities I have endured, even if it was just a shift at work. Think of it like recharging a battery. When I spend a majority of my day getting as close to a social butterfly as I possibly can, I feel drained. For me, it takes a lot of energy to be personable and social; therefore, I must recharge my batteries in preparation for the next day’s antics.

So, when my mother made a comment about how I come home from work and immediately sit on the couch, I became angry. It hurt my feelings because it made me feel lazy even though I have been working like a mad woman since my second job started a little over a month ago. I guess I shouldn’t have been angry because maybe she didn’t understand why I do that after a shift or in-between shifts if I have to work two jobs in one day, but it still hurt nonetheless, even though I know she didn’t mean it.

The real point that sent me over the edge yesterday was when my younger brother asked me to guess how much money he had made that week. Now, let me explain why this was my tipping point. My little brother works for a small produce store, and most of his shifts include 12 plus hour workdays about six days a week at various farmer’s markets in the surrounding areas. He works on average about sixty-five hours a week, earns more than minimum wage, and brings home untaxed money in cash every week. He is also a junior in high school with no adult responsibilities and bills.

Instead of entertaining his question, I snapped because my mind immediately went into comparison mode and started frantically calculating how I was going to budget money this month to cover all of my very real adult responsibilities and bills. My reaction to his question was wrong, and as I snapped at him, I saw the well-deserved excitement drain from his face. I should not be taking my frustrations out on those I care about, and as we can see, it is still something I am very much working on. Everything in my life will work itself out in due time, and I need to focus on that instead of losing myself in unrealistic comparisons.

While my day was challenging and definitely took a toll on my spirit, something eye-opening and exciting did emerge from the heaps of frustration and anger. I came across something while spiraling into the deepest levels of YouTube, and it reminded me of an experience I keep having that I can very well change to make more accommodating for the persons involved. (Stay tuned for a future blog about these experiences). I felt a level of inspiration that fully recharged my sullen demeanor and unclogged my writer’s block. I’ve always felt a strong pull and connection towards writing, and I’ve known deep down that I wanted to be an author one day; I’ve just been waiting for the kind of all-consuming inspiration that would make me feel purposeful in what I’m writing. I think I finally found my writing purpose, and I’m excited to explore and research the possibilities for a future children’s book series. I’m in the pre-natal stages of development, but just know, that with the right dosage of coffee and research, this series will grow up to be a happy and healthy tale for all to hear.