The mind is a powerful tool. It works both with and against us, constantly revolving trying to make sense of life. I have an overactive mind, meaning that it never stops racing; it never sleeps. For years, I have managed to subdue my thoughts because it stresses me out when I can’t stop thinking and worrying about every little thing in my life. Between school, work, financials, and relationships, I can’t focus. I’m constantly trying to understand why things happen the way they do, which has not been very productive lately.

Trust me, I would much rather throw caution to the wind and just forget about my troubles, but I was not wired that way. This past week especially has probably been the worst thus far. Have you ever had one of those weeks where everything seems to finally be falling into place, and then within an instant, your world falls apart? I hate to be dramatic, but for women especially, this is generally the case. It’s frustrating when you have that realization that maybe this is it; maybe this is as far as I go.

And what made this even worse was that Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. Bitter does not sit well with me, and I do not like the person I become when I let it sink in its little claws. But every year, the lonely girl inside me rears her ugly head, and I settle into that self-deprecating state of mind that I try to keep at bay. I am truly happy for everyone in my life that has someone special around this time of year; my insecurities should not taint an exciting and lovely day for the rest of the world.

However, as to the point of this post: overthinking. Being an anxious and self-conscious person, I have never been the type to be open with people. I have this voice in the back of my mind that constantly second guesses every decision I make. It’s not easy to bare your soul to a person, no matter the context. When I do this, it means something to me. I know it’s irrational to keep everything bottled up for fear of rejection. Whether it’s a book idea or a simple conversation with someone, saying what’s truly on your mind is the scariest part of life. And what’s even worse is when you finally say what you mean and feel, and then nothing. Nothing happens. Now all your fears flood to the surface because you just so happened to let your guard down for a moment. How is that supposed to make you feel? I would much rather if people were just honest.

I guess life is just a game of trial and error. I’ve had more errors than any successes, but I won’t let that get me down. It took me so long to accept who I was and what I was doing with my life, and I’m not going to let the fear of rejection control my life. This fear was like a dark mass weighing on my chest and even just writing these words now, I feel freer. I put myself out there, and that is the first step.

So, this Valentine’s Day is all about self-love for me. I’m going to spend my night tomorrow with the only two men I need in my life, Ben and Jerry. We’re going to have a grand old time watching 80s movies, drinking coffee, and reveling in the fact that we’re okay. Plus, you know I’m going to be all over that discount chocolate Thursday after class. Just remember to love yourself first, and everything else with follow eventually.