Six loud and angry Italian humans crammed into the van once again, this time on their way to Milan, Italy … a five-hour drive from Ramstein, Germany (which is where they had stayed the night prior). Actually, what was supposed to be a five-hour drive turned into twelve hours in the car. Picture this …

The family stirred from beneath their covers and began the hurried process of looking decent for the day’s adventures. Well, everyone had time to look decent except for one little lass. She didn’t wake up in enough time, and was being rushed out the door; so, she opted for leggings, a long and cozy cardigan, and zero makeup. That’s right ladies and gents – she went out into the world without her signature eyebrows. While it was quite a freeing experience, she would much rather have a symmetrically refined face when walking amidst strapping young men in uniform.

After breakfast on base, the six humans began the road trip to Milan. To get to Italy, the family had to travel through Switzerland, which by the way, is a beautiful country. At one point, they exited a tunnel, and rain turned to fluffy white snow reflecting the beautiful sunshine. The giant brown and clunking turd of a van transported the loud Italians through the Swiss Alps while they blasted “Rockstar” by Nickelback.

You see, faithful viewers, the driver (the eldest brother) refused to play European radio stations because they repeat the same few songs. Hi, hello, welcome to America where every station does the exact same thing 24/7. Needless to say, the family began rotating playlists; so, they’d heard the same 25 songs for four days straight. Oh, the irony.

As they traveled higher into the Alps, all six humans put a pause on their frustration and clashed in a million different tones as they screamed/sang “we all just want to be big rock stars, and live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars.” It was surreal to see houses just perched on the edge of a 100-meter drop and little Christmas trees nestled on porches or framed in a picturesque window. But, this isn’t even the most ridiculous part of the story.

You see, the family may or may not have slightly different political views, and for some odd reason the father and the eldest son consistently – like clockwork – landed on topics of high debate. In short, the one without her eyebrows was completely over the ride at about hour seven and was looking forward to a hot shower and a warm bed.

As you may have guessed, things never seem to go as planned. The now angry humans sat in the craziest traffic that meets the eye. They reached the outskirts of Milan and sat in traffic for about three hours. There were plenty a horn and many an almost-accident as micro cars zoomed in and out of traffic and cut others off. Remember, this family had just popped their international traveling cherry, and they were in a clunker of a car. The massive turd barely even fits on the narrow roads in Europe; so, imagine the van trying to squeeze through the downtown streets.

It took the loud Italians an hour and forty-three minutes to move about forty-five miles, and once they were within ten miles of their lodging for the night, it took thirty-five minutes to reach a relative location. This is where the story escalates to levels that not even the one without her eyebrows could fashion for an interesting short story or novella.

They had finally reached the train station, which was within a one-minute walk from the apartment they were on the hunt for. Mind you, each passenger had a full bladder for about the last three hours of the trip; therefore, everyone was cranky and on edge and not prepared for what was about to happen.

All six members exited the car in the pouring rain, and made a beeline for the train station behind them. All four children raced to the entrance while two parents fiddled with the car door handles and jackets. Once inside, the three eldest offspring raced around in an attempt to find a bathroom, and because all three of them are uncultured and not multi-lingual, they had a hard time trying to decipher signs written in Italian. Even the pictures were pointless because the arrows attached were deceiving.

So, all six family members still had to relieve their bladders and no one had any idea where the apartment was located or the check-in spot. The parents decided that it would be smart to unload all the luggage and just start walking. They walked in the rain with a bunch of luggage to a random hotel to ask the desk clerk for directions. He informed the dripping forms that they were on the wrong side of the train station and needed to backtrack … and so they did.

On the other side of the station, they were still lost, go figure. Finally, the eldest son calls the woman in charge of the apartment to gather some form of direction. It turns out, we had been walking back and forth on the opposite side of the street in front of the check-in building, and she had been people-watching the Americans as they made a ruckus on the streets of Milan.

The real kicker to this crazy story is that the family had to backtrack once again to the opposite side of the station to find the complex where their apartment was located. Granted, it is a beautiful structure with an even better view. It looks like a screen-grab from a romantic comedy, and I am forever grateful for this insane mess of a trip because while these are the crankiest humans you’ll ever meet, they’re my crazy humans.

This trip has somehow made us love to hate each other while simultaneously seeing how much we take for granted on the daily. I’ve seen more and experienced so much culture over the past four days than I have in the twenty-two years I’ve been alive. If it weren’t for the fact that my brother lived in London, we would never have even made this trip let alone spend almost a month touring Europe. As always, coffee has been my tried and true loyal sidekick as I deal with spending way too much time with my crazy, loud Italian humans.