The smell of fall is in the air. Brisk weather, the aroma of three variations of a signature pumpkin scent, a steaming mug, and the first glimpse of flannel this season were all I needed to feel calm, cool, and collected during the most stressful semester of my life. Basking in the warmth of my cozy home, I made comfort food and dove right into a documentary that threw me off balance and disrupted the Zen atmosphere I had created for myself.

Having my own space is wonderful; I can customize my décor, have a jam session without headphones, and I can leave my dishes in the sink for as long as I so choose – which is never more than a day, but it’s nice to know I have the option to let utensils crust over and bowls fester in the remaining morsels of the gooey grilled cheese I just consumed.

However, the biggest downfall to living alone is the loneliness that settles in every now and again. Don’t get me wrong, I love the freedom that single living provides, but it would be nice to have someone to share certain experiences with.

For example, I can’t open a jar to save my life. Every time I reach for an unopened jar of pickles, I spend a good chunk of time trying to pop the seal of the stubborn lid. I also cannot seem to pull the foil tabs off the vast variety of coffee creamers that line a shelf in my fridge. It would be so nice to have someone, anyone, with the skill and dexterity to accomplish the little feats in my day that seem unconquerable. Just having a companion to combat the slew of insects that torment me in the warmer months would be ideal because then my anxieties would lessen and my eye would stop twitching.

As it would appear, I am still living life on the singles train, which is fine for now, but when the Zen atmosphere takes a turn, company is something I crave. The documentary that captivated my attention for two hours discussed sociopaths, and while it wasn’t scary per se, it did project a creepy resonance into my home that left me jumpy and hearing things that probably weren’t there. In other words, I’m a wimp, and I was overreacting.

The way the documentary flowed had me questioning every person I’ve come in contact with, every person currently in my life. Each characteristic and trait were affirmations that these people exist in my day-to-day, which is a sobering and scary thought. It just affirmed that you never truly know a person.

Now I know what you may be thinking, “Alex, you’re blowing this way out of proportion. You probably don’t know any sociopaths.” I am here to tell you that it’s more common than you think or than I ever thought possible. One in twenty-five humans have the characteristics of a sociopath.

My mind was blown, and as I sat, eyes glued to the screen, I started taking an inventory of all the people I’ve encountered in my life, especially those from middle school and high school. I was shocked as I found that some of the people I’ve known since I was a kid fit the psychologist’s checklist. Now, I’m not saying that these people are sociopaths, but I don’t know for sure.

Something else mentioned in the documentary really threw me for a loop. Online dating sites are a sociopath’s ultimate toolkit because this is where he or she compiles information to imitate and figure out how to infiltrate your life. I got the chills hearing that because I use online dating sites.

Online dating is scary and blind as it is, and now I’m paranoid about running into a sociopath. The documentary truly opened my eyes to the reality of life, and that is that humans are a mystery. I am a very trusting person once I open up to another individual. So, it genuinely hurts my feelings and demolishes any progress I’ve made in self-acceptance and worth when I come to terms with the fact that the person I’ve opened up to wasn’t who I thought he was.

I also realized that it’s okay to be guarded in what you share and what you keep behind closed doors. I’m very vague in answering personal questions and sharing personal information because I’ve already had one run-in with a crazy date, and I don’t plan on having another any time soon.

However, the documentary also had me questioning my own mental state. I feel as if once we fall deep into something as captivating and intriguing as this was, we start seeing the characteristics and qualities arise within ourselves. I happened to be doing just that, and it freaked me out. Don’t forget, I was alone and it was late and I have obnoxious neighbors, so every sound felt like the impending doom of something I wasn’t ready to come face-to-face with. And then it ended, or at least this installment ended.

Once the screen went black, I felt like I needed something to get me out of the funk I was in. I stumbled across the music video for Marshmallow’s “Happier,” and I immediately started bawling my eyes out. It was as if every emotion and feeling came bubbling to the surface and was released as the lyrics enveloped me in a cry I honestly needed. I was consumed with the reality that while I may never know others, I’ll always know who I am, which is all that truly matters.

I’m so over the quest for the perfect date. Frankly, I’m too busy to care, and I’m so over the fake persona men try to sell to get me to be the person they want me to be. While this documentary was creepy and telling of just a fraction of the human race, it also forced me to find solace in who I am and what I’m doing right now. From now on, I’m sitting back with my steaming mug of caffeinated bliss, and I’m just going to see where life takes me. Near or far, I’ll never forget who I am or where I got my start.